Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind and a reconciliation experience. My youth was scarred due to the inability to bid farewell to my departed grandpa.

In the spring of 2020, the Covid-19 continued to ravage after the outbreak. People smelt its unpredictability and fearfulness and were unaware of how to bear and cope with it, even in a well-equipped hospital. Doctors with protective masks were busy shuttling through the crowd and only pairs of eyes full of fatigue and helplessness could be seen.

Huddled in the ward, all the family members were seized by a sense of restlessness. My dear grandpa, a patient with advanced gastric cancer, was on the last leg of his life. Tubs and needles were all over his body. His sunken and black-ringed eyes slightly opened, which was the last proof of his presence in this world. We did not expect any ecstatic miracles because it was pretty clear what was going to happen. Then we lost the game with the disease. Grandpa left us forever.

We did not grieve for too long as the epidemic forced us to consider what was next.

The funeral was not allowed to be held as it would have been. And the “Grown-ups Only” policy removed the then-17-year-old me off the name list, which took away my opportunity to say goodbye to Grandpa. So longing was I to be one year older.

Memories flashed back like a newsreel. I could well remember there was a time when he took me to the park, and the deep blue sky, the sound of birds as well as the sweet time with him kept me spellbound. “Goodbye.” The unspoken word was a bayonet, piercing my fond memories and leaving a bloody red trauma in my heart and I could not find a panacea to heal.

The virus, the age limit, and my absence at the funeral. They ultimately led to my lost youth. “Human is mortal.” I comforted myself repeatedly but still could not let it go because I was unable to complete the final rite of farewell.

Remaining tuned to the painful past is inconducive. Yet the concerto of youth is bound to have low points. The shadow of the epidemic will fade one day. The loss of losing beloved ones will not vanish.